[humor-arc] Project Genesis !!!

Project Genesis
Internal Corporate Correspondence



This was taken from site flooble
and was originally written in Russian by Yuriy Nesterenko.



To: General Director Jehovah
From: Gabriel, Marketing Director

The market research conducted by our department for the Genesis project,
shows that systems of the following configuration will generate the highest level
of consumer enthusiasm:

• Planet(s): 1
  
• Radius: 3,000 km
  
• Gravitational pull: 0.5g
  
• Land/Water ratio: 1:1
  
• Temperature: +24 C
  
• Atmosphere: Oxygen
  
• Oceans/Seas: Fresh Water
  
• Rivers: Milk, Honey
  
• Fauna: Herbivores
  
• Peripherals: 2 luminary bodies, (for day, night).
  
• Orbital Speed: 0.0007 RPM (1 revolution / 24h cycle)

Resolution:
Forwarding to the strategy planning department for preparation.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Michael, Strategy Planning Manager

In order to minimize the overall project costs,
I propose we power both luminary bodies using one energy source,
and substitute Nitrogen for Oxygen.

Comments:

Leave at least 50% of the oxygen - otherwise we run the risk of user suffocation.
-- Raphael

25% Should suffice.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

In the course of our work on project Genesis, we have run into some difficulties
(specifically in the "Let there be Light" phase of the project):

We do not currently have access to a source of uninterrupted light that can be channeled
into two separate luminary bodies. I propose we utilize a standard "Red Dwarf" type light
source for daytime illumination, and use a mirror for nighttime light.

Comments:

Upgrade to "Yellow Dwarf". The cost differential is minimal, but aesthetically, the look
is far more impressive.
-- Gabriel (Marketing dept.)

But that's a multi-client light source! Why would the user need it for a single-planet system?
-- Lucifer

The marketing department will tell to the user what he needs or doesn't need.
-- Gabriel

Lucifer, please restrict your comments to questions within the field of your competence. I'm approving
the "Yellow Dwarf".
-- Jehovah

By the way, with the level of light output generated by a Yellow Dwarf, we can use a regular planetoid
instead of a mirror.
-- Michael

Agreed.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

The recent deviations from the specification introduced the following problems into the system:
The mass of the uninterruped light source is significantly greater than the mass of the planet.
Due to this, the light source cannot be in orbit around the planet. Instead, it is the planet
that is orbiting the light source.

Furthermore, due to the energy output of the light source,
we are observing surface temperature that consistently exceeds the spec. by a factor of 2.
However if we move the planet further away from the light source, the overall dimentions of the
system will grow significantly.

Comments:

A larger system will probably benefit us from the marketing standpoint, but the fact that the
planet is rotating around a peripheral device may lead to self esteem issues on the part of the
user. Could we perhaps change the Gravitational Constant to compensate?
-- Gabriel

Changing the Gravitational Constant will result in compatibility problems down the line
-- Michael

What difference is it to the user what orbits what? Let Marketing come up with some kind of
theory of Relativity.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

After the increase in the orbital radius, all attempts to accelerate the planet to specified
velocity have consistently lead to a system crash. (The planet escapes from orbit
into outer space.)

By the way, the nighttime luminary exhibits the same behavior.

Comments:

The internal behavior of the system is irrelevant. We must deliver on the user experience.
Why not make the planet revolve around its own axis? The user will then think that both
the Sun and the Moon are orbiting it with the speeds originally specified.
-- Gabriel

Won't the user catch on?
-- Jehovah

Even if he does, it won't be til' the project is long delivered.
-- Gabriel

Agreed.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Raphael, QA & Support Lead

Initial testing has revealed the following defects:

1. We are observing consistent overheating.
   
2. The axis of revolution has shown a 33 deg. declination from the vertical,
   resulting in cyclic temperature anomalies.
   
3. The rivers' throughput falls far short of expectations.
   
4. Herbivore fauna (as specified) is missing.
   
5. The orbit is unstable. Planet tends to fall into the Sun.
   

Resolution:

Forwarding to the tech. department for review.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

1. > We are observing consistent overheating.
   what else did you expect with that Land/Water ratio? For proper cooling to occur
   we need a ration of 1:3 - 1:4.
   
2. > The axis of revolution has shown a 33 deg. declination
   from the vertical, resulting in cyclic temperature anomalies.
   We're working on it.
   
3. > The rivers' throughput falls far short of expectations.
   This is because milk curdles, and honey crystallizes.
   
4. > Herbivore fauna (as specified) is missing.
   Hebivores require vegitation, which cannot grow in this heat without water. I propose
   to put water into the rivers. This should also help resolve problem (3).
   
5. > The orbit is unstable. Planet tends to fall into the Sun.
   We will intoroduce another planet on a larger orbit to serve as a gravitational
   counterweight.
   

Comments:
There's not enough room to reduce the landmass. We will have to increase the area of the oceans. This will
result in a larger diameter and stronger gravitational pull. Plus the extra planet...
-- Michael

That's allright, the user will just have to live with it. We will present the extra planet as an added
feature. However, we have already announced the Milk and Honey, will have to at least leave them in the
most prominent rivers.
-- Gabriel

Let me remind you that the deadline for this project is fast approaching, and yet you are still
beating a dead horse. Speaking of which, why have the designers not come up with a horse concept yet, and
are still mucking about with the dinosaurs? Who needs these dinosaurs anyway?
-- Jehovah

Generally speaking, the user has shown great interest in dinosaurs.
-- Gabriel

Fine. But we must have horses too.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Raphael, QA & Support Lead

1. In addition to the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has the tendency to fly away into space.
   
   
2. Herbivores are missing again.
   

Resolution:

Forwarding to the tech. department for review.
-- Jehovah


To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

1. > In addition to the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has the tendency to fly away into space.
   We'll add another counterweight, this time on a smaller orbit.
   
   
2. > Herbivores are missing again.
   They seem to have multiplied, ate all the vegitation and died out.
   

Comments:

How many counterweights do you need?!
-- Michael

All in all after the calibration we were able to stabilize the system at nine.
-- Lucifer

Did I understand correctly? Instead of one planet the user will be getting 9?!
-- Jehovah

So what? Eight of them will be uninhabitable anyway.
-- Lucifer

The user doesn't need to know. Half of these planets cannot be seen without a telescope.
I suggest ammending the user manual with an 11-th Commandment: "Thow Shalt Not Invent A Telescope".
-- Gabriel

No. Then they will definitely invent it.
-- Jehovah

By the way, after the orbital radius was increased, the brightness of the night-time light source fell below
the specified minimum. I propose using a mirror after all.
-- Raphael

Where were you before? We just finished balancing the system! Should we start over?
-- Lucifer

There will be no starting over! The project deadline is in six days! Lucifer, either make it all work
or you will be demoted and transferred to a different post.
-- Jehovah

To: General Director Jehovah
From: Lucifer, Head of System Technology Department

> Lucifer, either make it all work or you will
> be demoted and transferred to a different post.

How is it my fault, if I didn't get a proper spec?

Anyway... The axis will have to stay angled as it is. The garden of Eden at least, will get
+24C, but if the user goes wandering around elswhere, that's his problem. Doesn't look like
we'll be able to finish the dinosaurs, but at least the horses will definitely be done.
Milk and Honey are out, we made the rivers run with water, although it's bringing salt out into
the oceans and seas. We had to introduce some Predators to keep the Herbivores from eating
up all the vegetation again. However, we didn't have time to set the predators up to distinguish
the users from their prey.

In short, it will all probably work out.

Comments:

Let it be so.
-- Jehovah



Epilogue
The head of System Technology Department, Lucifer, was in the end demoted and transferred, as punishment
for unsanctioned assistance lent to the user in the usability testing phase of project Genesis.